The French Fry is completely satire. Any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the French Fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisements outside of this insert.
The changing of the seasons is always a refreshing time for UNI students. The snow is melting, the birds are singing, and the squirrels are … unionizing?
That’s right, loyal readers, rather than attempting to overthrow the university as they have tried in the past, this new generation of squirrels has formed a union. A representative of the Union of Squirrels of Northern Iowa, Chet Squeakerson, contacted me to share USNI’s beliefs.
“Squirrels get no respect on this campus! We do all the work around here making sure no crumbs of food litter this fine university, and what thanks do we get? Nothing! Well, that is about to change,” Chet told the press.
The following statement is reflective of USNI’s demands, as represented by Mr. Squeakerson. “Too many student’s invade our space to study or host events without even consulting the residents of nearby trees. A small group of students decided to use the picnic tables outside of Russel for a study session without consulting so much as one squirrel and completely ruined Barbara Von Pine’s bridge night. From now on, students must provide an offering of seeds and nuts to study outside if they have not contacted a member of USNI four business days prior to reserve a location. Furthermore, there shall be no photography without compensation for our member’s valuable time or privacy. This compensation may also be paid in seeds and nuts.”
University President Marc Nooc, has delegated a team of professors from Wilson College of Business to handle the situation.
“I believe we shall come to a favorable agreement for most of their demands,” Marc reports, “however, the squirrels also want 50% of the profits of any and all merchandise from the university bookstore that features a squirrel. We are hoping to talk them down to seeds and nuts for this as well.”
Chet Squeakerson and Marc Nooc will be meeting next Friday to finalize negotiations, but until then, it is probably best to carry some trail mix in your pockets.
