The French Fry is completely satire. Any resemblance to any real person is completely coincidental. The statements in the French Fry do not reflect the views of the Northern Iowan, nor do they reflect the views of the advertisements outside of this insert.
There have been ominous squeakings going around campus of a squirrel uprising. It seems the UNI rodent population has nefarious plans for our great institution. The main concern for student’s seems to be rumors of squirrels replacing notable public figures such as TC, TK, President Nark Mook and interim dean of the College of Humanities, Arts and Sciences Cennifer Jooley.
Our trusted mascots may not be as virtuous as they seem. A recent post on YikYak showed TC with his mask removed, revealing a squirrel beneath the furry facade. While this post was made in jest, the concern behind its creation is real. Students suspect our mascots of being secret squirrels for a variety of reasons, the most notable being their convenient silence and the rumors of rustling happening beneath their costumes.
Even Mook isn’t safe from suspicion. It is believed that he is privately supporting squirrel initiatives such as financial compensation for the rodents due to students studying outside, which they consider their personal domain. Students have also stated they saw a dubious squirrel-esq sparkle in the president’s eyes during public addresses.
Students also have doubts about the humanity of Jooley. It has been stated that she is too “bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” While these rumors may seem unfounded, Jooley’s response to student concerns has drawn further suspicion with the statement, “I was just going about my business on campus, checking out all the good (and sometimes nutty) work happening in CHAS!” It seems the ambitious interim dean is not even trying to hide where her loyalties lie.
As tensions are rising and rumors keep circling, people have talked about forming a militia. While this is understandable, waiting for more concrete evidence may be in students’ best interest.
