Students, staff and faculty of UNI, I am writing to you in a fit of desperation. I’m on my metaphorical knees, begging you to help me with something I feel in the very marrow of my bones. Despite my long labors in curating the perfect Twitter persona, I have stalled at 262 followers. This is obviously as hard for me to admit as it is for you to hear about.

The problem is, I can’t tell what I’ve done wrong. I am flummoxed by my failure to ride the rocket of my dysfunctional life to online fame. Let me convince you: I have all the raw materials to become a first-rate internet celebrity.

First, a constant and consistent connection to the internet is the most important thing in my life. Since getting my iPhone in June, I have only been without the internet while sleeping. OK, that’s not entirely honest. While on a car trip this July, I was outside of my cellular provider’s 4G LTE and 3G coverage.

It was absolutely hideous. I had to talk to the other people in the car, and I wasn’t even able to dull the pain by browsing Buzzfeed listicles while pretending to listen to them. But anyway, whenever I’m not sleeping or outside of civilization, I’m standing ready to post the minutiae of my daily life in pithy tidbits for the consumption of friends and strangers alike.

Second, there is nothing I won’t share with hundreds of anonymous internet followers. I’m sure most of you have been urged to consider what future employers would think about content before you post it to the internet. Well, as you might be able to tell from my dual majors in English and flute performance, I’m not worried about becoming employed after finishing my undergraduate career. This means I have no need for standards or dignity when it comes to editing my persona for Twitter viewers.

If you don’t believe me, let me submit for you the evidence of my tweet on the morning of Aug. 23, 2015. To orient you in space and time, this would be the day before classes started this fall semester. All I needed to tell the world could be summed up in the three words I tweeted at this time: “I am drink.”

Other topics I have covered in my public Twitter account: the viscosity of my saliva, how little I shower, the temptation to submit “Star Trek” fanfiction for my graduate school applications (still so true), and all the inappropriate places on campus where I have tripped, napped and/or cried.

Third, my uncontrollable narcissism. I believe with utter certainty that every single thing I think of is something you want and need to read. My observations about the weather or comments about the rearrangement of the sections at Hy-Vee will enrich your life and strengthen your spirit.

I assume that, like manna from heaven, people are waiting on my stray thoughts to fall gently down and give them sustenance in the wilderness of this world. Twitter has given me an endless 140-character platform for my natural narcissistic tendencies, but this plateau in followers has me distressed: How can I bring my genius to more people without more exposure?

Fourth, I have a life that makes other people feel better about their own lives. The old adage “misery loves company” is somewhat incomplete. What’s better than having company in your misery? Finding at least one person who’s doing worse than you are, of course. For me, it’s the twitter accounts of @sosadtoday and @333333333433333.

One of the greatest things that the internet has given us is the ability to easily find people who are doing worse than we are. If you follow me on Twitter, prepare to feel better about both your circumstances and choices. And be ready to read some extremely well crafted “Star Trek” poetry (I lost some followers over that incident).

My last and most important credential for internet fame is one you have to be born with: there is an empty hole inside of me that can only be filled by the meaningless affirmation of near-strangers. I need internet points like some people need church. I get shaky and nauseated when I go too long in between hits of that sweet internet acclaim. I will do anything to become a better original content generator.

Please. Will you follow me on Twitter? My name is @the_folk_diva. I promise you won’t regret it, and even if you do, I’ll blame it on your bad taste. Internet celebrities never have to admit they’re wrong.